Stories of Joy
For years I prayed for peace; peace in my mind.
I knew I had a good life but wondered why I couldn’t just let myself enjoy it. I spent hours agonizing over insignificant thoughts and sabotaging my own joy. I worried that my own mind would ruin anything that was important to me. I struggled to remember what it felt like to be truly happy and questioned if I could ever get there.
For over a year, I put in the work. I tried everything and pushed myself in any way I could to try and get my mind into a healthy place. But things only got worse. I heard stories of people’s success and saw the things that failed for me work for others. Frustration and discouragement ruled my thoughts, but above anything else I was tired. So very tired.
There were times I wondered if relief would ever come and if there’d ever be a rainbow after this storm.
But no matter how hard things became there was always a part of me (although sometimes very (very) small) that clung to the hope that one day God would deliver me. Holding onto that hope wasn’t always easy, but I didn’t know what else to do.
And eventually things did begin to slowly change. But as they did I was still cautious. Fearing that suddenly all the progress would disappear and I would be back at the beginning. Grasping at every piece of happiness worried it would quickly vanish.
I can’t pinpoint when things finally took a turn for the better. I think it started to happen before I even noticed. Suddenly, I started to take note of the things I was accomplishing and realized that just 6 months ago they were impossible for me. Those closest to me mentioned the changes they saw. I felt a sense of relief.
I’m thankful for the tools that helped and proud of the progress I have accomplished. But above all, I know that I could not have gotten here or done any of it without the Lord. He did what I couldn’t. He made the impossible possible for me. He cleared a way when there seemed like none.
I know there is still work to be done and progress to be made. I’m still praying for peace. But for now I can finally say that I am genuinely happy. It’s been a while. It feels good. – Sophia